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[ This satire piece appeared around the time of some actual club stampedes. People were writing wanting to know if it was true, so I put a note at the top explaining that it was, in fact, a joke. I was once trampled by a small band of twinks excited by a remix of "Believe," which inspired this story. —AR ]
NEW YORK-34 people at Club Limelight were seriously injured in a stampede Sunday night that began when the DJ at the gay nightclub spun a popular new remix of Whitney Houston's "Whatchulookinat." Patrons inside the club had already filled the dance floor to capacity when, upon hearing the new mix, the crowd of over 100 people standing in line outside the club pushed past security and on to the floor as well.
"I started playing the BigDrama remix of 'Whatchulookinat,' and before Whitney even got to the chorus, the place was overrun with people," said DJ Markus, a guest DJ who was spinning at Limelight. "I haven't seen anything like this since 'Like a Virgin' in '84."
"It was completely out of control. 500 Half-naked men cramming in and pushing up against each other just to dance to Whitney. All things considered, I'd do it again," said witness Bryan Hayes.
"There were boys jumping off the mezzanine level to get to the dance floor. It was literally raining men," quipped James Malone, another witness.
Not all found the stampede amusing. "I had made eye contact with this hot guy across the floor and he was trampled by the mob when that Whitney sing came on. I am so not getting laid now," complained one patron, Matt Denton.
"As soon as we heard the digitized 'beenlookinatyou,' it was pandemonium. The boys were pulling each other's hair just to get on the dance floor," said one of the injured, Jason Hinns. "I was hit in the head with a spiked heel."
"I blame the owners. They already let too many people in, to begin with. And then they go and play Whitney. What did they expect?" said angry patron Daniel Vega.
When police arrived on the scene, the crowd resisted initial attempts to evacuate the club. Even when police forced DJ Markus to shut down his equipment, the crowd continued to sing the song and carry on.
"We were about to begin using pepper spray when the crowd began to disperse. After the twelfth repetition of the chorus, I think everyone kind of started to realize it was time to move on," said Police Lt. Robert Davis. "There will be a full investigation into this tragedy."
According to medics who responded to the call for help, 34 people were treated for injuries, including 3 broken legs, several black eyes and twisted ankles, and dozens of chipped nails.
Carlotta Diehls, Miss Bailey's 2002 and a shot girl at the club, said she was "deeply saddened" by the events of the evening. "What does Whitney matter now?"
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