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[ Jackie Ho is the pen name of a one Mr. Chris Murray, the only regular contributor to iQ. —AR]
 ike every gentle soul who hopes for something more engaging towards the end of the newsrag that is their only entertainment, Jackie has skimmed the personal advertisements from time to time since she was a small girl, delighting in the terse descriptions littered with abbreviation and cliché. Oh how the times have changed! Most personals have been given over to the world of l'internet, where for a paltry sum, a person can ramble ad infinitum, inflating the terse into the interminable. Quelle horreur!
Still, they remain hugely entertaining (a puerile pleasure, yes,) and with the proper amount of training, provided handily par moi, you too can navigate even the most treacherous of personal advertisements. Allow me to dare serve as your interpreter on this voyage exotique!
Jackie's Handy Personal Ad Reference Sheet
| When it says... |
It really means… |
| I'm searching for Mr. Right. |
I'm delusional. Even if things are perfect I will dump you two weeks later for somebody else with a better timeshare or highlights. |
| Please send pic. |
In the past, I have had at least one sketchy encounter with somebody that was heavier than my entire immediate family or older than my grandmother. They did not have a 'pic.' |
| This is my first personal ad. |
This is a tragic attempt to seem virginal. |
| I'm already in a great relationship with somebody that I met on this site. So I'm just looking for friends! |
I'm keeping this personal up as a means of efficient rebounding and/or for the purpose of arranging threesomes. |
| Favorite Music: Everything but rap and country. |
In my three CD changer you will find 'Whale Sounds', 'Phantom of the Opera,' and Van Halen.' |
| No fats, no fems. |
I did not enjoy my previous encounters with overweight transvestites. |
| I enjoy the outdoors. |
I enjoy 'Frisky Summer' videos. |
| I practice yoga and meditation to stay in shape, body and mind. |
Get ready for a pan-religious 'shrine' and a serious dose of Madonna. |
| I would love for my dates to be hot, sensual, and open minded. |
My use of the word hot would suggest either partial mastery of contemporary English argot, or a history of tepid encounters, whose lukewarm nature are no doubt partially my responsibility. |
| …just moved to town… |
After years of settling for sex with the same
people over and over again, I am eager to
have found a new well from which to draw. |
| Please be drama-free… |
…because I am still being car-bombed by several of my exes. |
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