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 t's the holidays... and we all know that that means: A vacation in Key West sipping Pina Coladas out of a coconut while Ryan, your personal masseuse, rubs you down with oil on the beach.
Riiiiiiight. It means going home and dealing with the family. For those of you with caring, accepting, open-minded, abnormal families, you can skip this article. But for the rest of us, Donna has some tips on how to keep things merry and bright while at home. Now, I would be the last person to encourage closet-case behavior, but there are times when it may be necessary to protect your portion of the family inheritance.
Handling Tight Situations...
Sometimes a Donna-esque response is not the best one in certain situations, especially if small children are around. Let's talk a look at some possible situations you may be facing and how to best handle them.
1: Mom catches you coming out of the bathroom after a shower...
Mom: You got those pierced?!
You say: Mom, I feel saddened by your lack of understanding of my choice to express my individuality. Everyone has different ways of expressing who they are. Here, have some vodka.
2: You brought your "friend" home to meet the family...
Mom: Honey, Jim seems a bit, you know... With the lisp and Wonder Woman shirt and all... Is he... gay?
You say: Now Mom, you can not determine someone's sexuality from the way they talk or dress themselves. Jim is very... unique and that's why I value his friendship. Would you like another shot of vodka?
3. You dropped out of Med school to become a beautician...
Mom: You quit Med school to cut people's hair?!
You say: Beautician, Mom. I also do nails and cosmetic consulting. They say you should always make sure you love your job, and I'd just never be happy as a dermatologist. How about another shot of vodka?
4: Classic...
Mom: Are you gay?
You say: Is this bottle of Absolut gone already?
Peace keeping...
Here's some other tips to keep things cool around the fam...
- Leave the porn mags at home. Nothing says "whoops" like Mom finding a subscription card to Freshmen in the bathroom.
- Cover pride symbols on the car with a "I Brake for Hooters" sticker, or BUSH 2000, or something equally tragic, but yet would made Dad proud.
- Keep the family primed with liquor. It's easier to to change the subject if they can't remember your name.
- Bring home a hag just to keep them guessing.
Coming out...
Of course, I hope you won't really put up with the crap I just suggested above. The holidays are a classic time to come out to the fam! It's not often you have the opportunity to cause major family trauma- so make it that more traumatic by forever associating the happiest of holidays with your pronouncement of being gay! Try these trama-licious tips:
- Wake up the family Christmas morning dressed as "Santa's Little Helper" featuring a red velvet miniskirt, double-D breasts and a Santa hat.
- Bring your boyfriend home and announce at dinner that you're getting married after his sex change.
- Pass around that copy of Rammers magazine you posed for.
- Dildo stocking stuffers
- Get drunk on Eggnog and pretend you're Christopher Lowell.
- Tell them about the time you met George Michael in a bath house.
- Blame various family members for your sexuality.
Well, there you have it. Some do's and don't for maintaining family peace, and some tips in case you're gonna spill the beans. Whatever the case, a trip to Key West still sounds better to me.
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