Working hard for the cure to straight-acting:
The Best of inQueer

[ Amanda actually received quite a few serious enquiries over the years. I couldn't tell if they were looking for serious responses. I mean, did they read the column?? —AR ]

Dear Amanda,

My eyebrows are out of control, and all of my friends make fun of them. I'd like to shape them, but I don't know where to start. What should I do?

— C.T. in Pittsford, NY

Let me give you some other advice first. Asking a drag queen for beauty advice is like asking a demolition engineer for home decorating tips. That being said, I must admit I don't know much about eyebrow grooming, since I just shave mine off and paint them back on with eyeliner. If that's a bit too drastic for you, there are other options. Back when I used to actually have body hair, I do recall needing to groom my brows from time to time. I'd grab some tweezers and use my 1990 NKOTB calendar as a guide to fabulous brows. There's also wax, but I always found it too messy, and I think there used to be an Epilady for brows, but trust me, you don't want to go there. Just remember to take your time, and if you make a mistake, you can always shave and paint.

Amanda

Dear Amanda,

I was a virgin until I slept with my boyfriend. Now he doesn't want to hang around me much anymore. Did I do something wrong?

—C.G. in Cleveland

Oh Honey, we were all virgins until we slept with our boyfriends. Now we're just used flotsam on the dating sea of life. You probably didn't do anything wrong. You're just learning one of life's cruel lessions: Men are scum. I wish I had a dollar for every time a guy said he was going to call me the next day, only to see him on Thursday at the local cruisy coffee place with his next trick. Sometimes, it's enough to make turn me into a dyke. You see, many boys see us as a night to be had or an orifice to be conquered. Once we give in, the game is over, and they move on. I've seen it happen hundreds of times in bathhouses, and it is no doubt the same for you. So the next time a boy treats you like a hole to be had, just remember: you can always spread rumors about his social diseases or unimpressive organs.

Amanda

Dear Amanda,

My parents said that I can get liposuction for my 18th birthday. My friends, however, say it's dangerous. What should I do?

— J.M. in Chicago

When I was in high school, we did not have vacuums to suck up our fat. If we wanted to lose weight, we had two choices: One, go into the restroom and vomit after every meal, or two, just stop eating altogether. While the medical establishment may attach stigmatizing names such as bulimia and anorexia to these methods, they are quite effective and relatively inexpensive. Why undergo the cost and trouble of surgery for weight loss when you could do it yourself? Get an eating disorder and save the money for breast implants, like Britney.

Dear Amanda,

I am sixteen years old. Is that too young to have sex?

— A.D. in Niagara Falls

Honey, you're asking someone who lost her virginity to her gym teacher at age 12. We were caught by the janitor. I got psychological counseling, and Mr. Bailey got a divorce and moved to San Francisco. For me, age 12 worked well. The lawsuit paid for my college education and my parents suddenly gave me a lot of attention. However, I don't think your age should determine when you should start having sex. It's more along the lines of "Do I really want want to start putting up with boys and their BS?" Boys will say just about anything to get what they want. Mr. Bailey, for instance, told me that he really liked me, and that he'd take me to a baseball game on Saturday. He never did. While I suspect Mr. Bailey's incarceration may have played a role, I don't think he ever really intended to take me there.

So, if you think you can handle empty lines of "I'll call you tomorrow" or "You're the most pretty girl I know," go for it! Otherwise, you might want to wait it out.

Amanda

Dear Amanda,

If God is all-powerful and all-knowing, why does he allow gay Republicans to exist?

— J.S. in Norfolk, VA

This is a very good question, and it comes down to one of three things. 1) God is irrational, 2) God does not exist, or 3) God Himself is a gay Republican. Let look at each possibility.

God is irrational. Surely, we can all agree that if we had the opportunity to rid the world of gay Republicans, we would do so, and if God is, in fact, all-powerful, he should have the ability to do this. Yet we still have gay Republicans. Therefore, it could be that God is irrational, and for some reason He does not rid the world of gay Republicans. This may also explain the existence of terrorists, Cameron Diaz's hair at the Oscars, and Starlight Express. Of course, if God were found to be irrational, we would have to call into question His competency as a god, and in fact whether God is a god at all. This goes way beyond the scope of my column.

God does not exist. This sort of question always calls into question the existence of God. We've already agreed that any rational being would not tolerate the absurd hypocrisy of gay Republicans and would wipe them off the face of the earth, if possible. The existence of gay Republicans could be explained in that God is not irrational, but that He simply does not exist and there is nothing to be done about gay Republicans from a divine intervention standpoint. This is another controversial point that I won't try answer one way or the other, but keep it in mind as a possibility.

God is a gay Republican. The third and most disturbing possible explanation for the existence gay Republicans could be that God is actually a gay republican Himself. Naturally, He would then allow gay Republicans to carry on and sell out our civil liberties for lower taxes and free trade. However, I fail to see what God would gain from low taxes and free trade. If God wants a vacation in Key West, I don't think he has to save up for it. And frankly, if it were true, it would be rather disparaging for reasons I will allow the reader to contemplate on his or her own time.

So, J.S., there you have it. They are all rather discouraging possibilities, but the existence of gay Republicans is indeed a discouraging condition.

Amanda

Dear Amanda,

My 6 year-old son likes to dress up in drag and sing showtunes from Annie. Is he gay?

—Vivian in Des Moines

For his sake, I certainly hope so. Society will never accept a straight man who dresses in drag and sings showtunes. People will always assume his gay, and no woman would ever dare hit on him (not that most gay men will hit on a drag queen, either). Therefore, he might as well be gay. Of course, age six is a bit young in the child's development for sexual identification of this sort.

Assuming your son does not grow out of this sort of behavior, the best chance for him to have a normal life is to encourage any homosexual tendencies he may exhibit. Get him a gym membership, teach him to sew, and play Bette in the house regularly. Discourage anything involving professional wrestling or pickup trucks. By no means let him see movies such as Tootsie or Mrs. Doubtfire, which will only serve to confuse him. He'll grow up to be a fine, respectable member of the gay community and no doubt be a regular fixture in the local bathhouse.

Amanda

Dear Amanda,

I just recently came out of the closet to my friends, and I'm happy that I did and all, but I'm concerned about meeting boys because I have a two-inch penis- when its erect. Should I just be up front about the whole thing when I meet a guy, or should I just hope that he understands when he find out??

—I.S. in Detroit

Honey, let's be realistic. No gay man in her right mind would ever want to date you with a penis that small. You see, gay men like cock. What you have there is a clit. Your best hope it to get a sex change and use that thing as a big clitoris. So, it's a win-win: you can still have sex with boys, and no more size anxiety.

Amanda

Dear Amanda:

I heard you've never slept with the same guy twice! Is this true??

—J.T. in Philly

Lighting doesn't strike twice, Honey.

Amanda